Julie

"Hello," the blonde woman gushed as she boarded the airport jitney. She bent over to arrange an infant car carrier on the window seat across the aisle from Lynn. She placed it facing the back of the van, giving Lynn full vision of the sweet baby's face. Before sitting, the mother brushed her unruly curly hair away from her face and turned to Lynn.

"I'm Micki and this is my new daughter, Julie." Leaning toward the baby, Micki cooed, "Julie, cutie, sweetie, honey bunch" while buckling the car carrier and then herself into their seats. Julie's blue eyes focused intently on her mother's face as her heart-shaped lips quivered, caught somewhere between a smile and a frown. Mom and baby were a breath of fresh air; the driver of the van reeked of body odor. "

The van's rear windows were shut, and on Lynn's last day of her week-long yoga retreat in Seattle, the sun finally appeared to heat up this ride to the airport. She had been ambivalent about attending this intense yoga course, but her friend, Joyce, had convinced her that seven days here and Lynn would have a clearer head to complete the dissertation she'd been working on for nearly two years. The experience was far more powerful physically and emotionally then she had anticipated. She didn't realize how much she had still held onto her grief. Crying on her mat several times throughout the week surprised her, but now she was returning home reenergized and empowered.

"It sure is warm today," the baby's mom told the driver as they started out. "Could you please raise the air."

"Of course," he turned with a smile, "no problem."

The breeze that rushed in with the woman and baby combined with the stronger air coming from the vent allowed Lynn to lower her shoulders and release a breath which she didn’t even realize she had been holding. As they left the driveway of the hotel, Lynn asked,

"How old is the baby?"

The woman's answer revealed a life story far greater than Lynn's simple question.

"Julie came into my life just one month ago," she offered breathlessly. "I'd wanted a girl ever since I lost my daughter giving birth five years ago."

Her story unfolded between coos and smiles with Julie. Micki's bubbly behavior and her revelation unsettled Lynn. The lines around the mom's eyes suggested she was approaching middle age. The baby's calm disposition comforted Lynn, affirming the peace she was taking home with her. Their conversation paused as the driver stopped to pick up the last passenger at a mall stop.

Clad in hiking boots and a plaid flannel shirt, the young new arrival sat next to the portly cheerful driver and immediately rolled down the window. As the van moved through local streets edging its way to the highway, Lynn mentioned to Micki softly that she had a newly adopted nephew.

"How long did your family wait to get him?" the mom asked squirming in her seat like a giggly school girl. Her widening grin suggested she was working hard to contain herself from blurting out her own story. Lynn felt rushed to answer. Uninterested in playing the game of whose experience was better, she simply said,

"About two years. My brother and sister-in-law adopted him through an agency in Texas."

"Ours was a private adoption. From the time I started to look for a baby till now took only two months," she boasted still wriggling in her seat, implying she was luckier.

Lynn hid her annoyance with a smile. As the van exited the ramp to the airport highway, Micki pushed her seat back. She turned her head from the traffic and told Lynn, as an aside, she left a seventeen-year-old son and another three-year-old son at home. Lynn felt a bit smug in her early assessment of the woman’s age.

"I'm on my way to California to show my sister Julie," Micki proudly added. "My whole family will be there."

The driver and newest passenger turned to each other often, but Lynn could not pick up on their murmured exchanges, especially when Julie started to fuss in her car carrier. Julie's pink dress with its ruffled sleeves was adorable. The dingy and stained blanket on the worn carrier under the baby pulled up memories of Lynn's grandmother:

"I always made sure my baby's clothes, diapers, and blankets were bright white before I put them on the line for my neighbors to see," grandma proudly told Lynn.

Then, grandma would have looked down at her raw hands and say,

"I always soaked diapers overnight in bleach."

Lynn never stopped noticing whites, as if they implied some standard for motherhood. She uncrossed her legs and stretched them out, pushing aside her judgments.

Micki speedily offered Julie a pacifier and explained that her three-year old son had survived childbirth because the doctor had induced labor three weeks early.

"Would you believe he would not have survived a full term because his umbilical cord was partially collapsed?" Without stopping to catch her breath she added, "That's how we confirmed how my daughter had died."

The mom's animated conversation about the lost baby made Lynn fidget in her seat. Her mindful yoga breathing turned shallow as she recalled the harrowing experience that had taken the life of her own unborn son. That familiar tightness in her chest, the one that caused those tears to fall on her yoga mat, returned. It was twenty-five years ago when Lynn had been in her sixth month that she fell in the department store. Two laughing teenage girls were running down the escalator where Lynn was standing. One of them pushed past Lynn, causing her to fall forward onto the moving stairs. She recalled hearing shouts to stop the escalator. Before passing out, she felt an internal tear then a warm fluid ooze down her legs. The loss of her baby was only part of the tragedy.

Without notice of Lynn's discomfort, Micki continued in her matter-of-fact tone.

"I did bereavement therapy and finally convinced my husband just two months ago we should adopt a baby girl." She paused and replaced the pacifier that had fallen from Julie's mouth."I put ads in the local paper," she continued," I spoke to people at grocery stores, pharmacies, and nail salons, anywhere I went. I told everyone: 'I'm looking to adopt a baby girl; here's my number if you hear anything.'"

Lynn closed her eyes and envisioned the bulletin boards in halls throughout the university campus where she taught filled with colorful papers and prints and photos: “Looking for an apartment to share. Need a queen size bed frame. Available at a reasonable price a used desk and lamp. Wanted a white baby girl.” For Lynn the idea of adoption was far more complex. Her husband, Dave, couldn’t get his head around it. He assured her that she was all he ever needed. Others told her that parenting an adopted child was not easy.

Squealing like a lottery winner, Micki told Lynn she received a call from Julie's mom within a month.

The van swerved quickly as a red sports car cut in front of it, and the driver yelled out, "Where the hell are you going, you asshole." With a reddened face he turned and said, "Excuse me, I'm sorry. We'll be at the airport in ten minutes."

Lynn was jostled back to the present. The passenger in the front seat shrugged. Micki was nonplused.

Julie was fussing again. The woman admitted that Julie's formula was in her luggage, and she'd get it out at the airport. In her luggage? Lynn repeated to herself. Julie quieted down once again with her pacifier.

Lynn crossed her arms to quell the emotional chaos that was circulating inside her. It brought back the pain she had felt when she learned that her son was stillborn and its deeper hurt, hearing that she could never have children. She used every yoga technique she had ever tried to keep from sobbing in this stinking van. Lines of tears streamed softly down her face. Staring blankly through the jitney's front window, she remembered Dr. Meadows' voice with uncanny clarity.

"Your injuries were greater than we thought," he whispered. "We had to remove your ruptured uterus. I'm so sorry, Lynn."

Micki continued talking even though Lynn was in a far-off place. The woman was too busy enjoying her success to notice Lynn wiping away tears.

Micki claimed that the most amazing part of this story came with a letter. Julie's grandparents wrote to her, asking if they could see the baby on occasion. She continued,

"I was so touched that I called the grandmother immediately to reassure her that Julie will just have more grandparents in her life. We'll be a larger family, that's all, and you can visit her anytime you want."

Micki's head bobbed up and down as she turned to Julie smiling, "Isn't that right, honey bunny?"

Julie's sweet gurgling smile pulled Lynn from her darkened place. Julie was an easy baby; everything about Julie seemed so easy. By now Lynn wondered about Julie's birth parents, but she didn't have to wonder for long because giggly mommy apparently had read her mind.

Julie's parents were an unmarried couple in their late teens who realized early in the pregnancy that they would not be able to care for her. They were considering adoption but were encouraged by family to keep the baby.

"It was meant to be," Micki quipped. "Someone saw my ad and called these young people. Four weeks later the papers were drawn and signed and I got Julie. She's exactly what I wanted. Can you believe it?"

No, Lynn didn't want to believe it. She refused to see Julie as a newly purchased handbag or a pair of shoes meant to accessorize this woman's life. The air in the van seemed staler and Lynn's stomach was queasy. With her eyes closed she repeated her mantra over and over for relief, but what worked so well in class wasn't working now. She opened them and in an anxious tone asked Julie's mom:

"How long has Julie been in your home?"

"Two weeks."

Lynn stopped herself from asking about the three-year old at home and how he coped with mommy's leaving with a new baby in tow. The driver moved the van to the right lane for the airport exit and called to them:

"The first stop is Delta."

"That's me, Micki shouted."

"American, Lynn yelled to the driver."

"That's stop number two."

Lynn never heard what the passenger up front told the driver. Within minutes they were pulled up and stopped at the curb. The mother unbuckled herself and Julie from their seats. The driver opened the van door and offered to take the baby in her worn carrier from the woman's hands. She hurriedly put on her coat, stuffed Julie's pacifier in her pocket, and grabbed her bulging handbag. She was smiling and puffing when she turned to Lynn

"We're on our way."

"Take care of your precious gift," Lynn called to Micki's back.

After the woman climbed down from the van, the driver handed her Julie which she quickly placed on the curb. She then followed him to the rear of the van where he was removing her luggage. Julie, in her car seat, remained alone. A young man was looking at his cell phone and stopped short of Julie's car seat. He looked both ways, shook his head, and walked on. Other travelers were whisking luggage past her; no one was aware of her. Lynn reached for her seatbelt when the other passenger turned to her from the front of the van.

"That car seat was recalled for being unsafe. My sister had one." Chills filled Lynn. "I'd be scared to leave an infant on the curb like that," the passenger added.

Lynn unfastened her seatbelt so quickly it flung forward with a thud. She rushed to the door, imagining she could pick up Julie and run. Her right leg was out the door when the driver returned.

"You don't get off here; you're the next stop."

Shaken from her fantasy, she returned to her seat. The driver lined up the bags next to the baby. Micki paid the driver then turned and gathered her accessories. She slung a large carryon over her right shoulder and the baby's bag and her purse over the other shoulder. She bent down, picked up the car seat with her right hand and pulled her wheeled suitcase with her free hand. With a brimming smile she walked toward the automatic doors, her carryon bag bouncing against Julie's head.

Lynn knocked frantically on the van window, but her sounds went unheard. She pushed her face against it as her silent screams ripped her yoga composure to shreds.